I was, like, totally gangzta

So the other day I thought I'd get started on something, you know, perhaps a short story or a full length story. It's just that I hardly write any more. Sometimes I just spent days at a time without picking one single pen. I blame my surroundings, by Odin's beard, I know I would've been a computer wiz or a literature freak had I not spent so much time in front of the tube. But what can you get? At least I know stuff, you know. I'm not completely screwed up.

I'm just saying 'cause, well, it kind of scares me. See, I tell everyone that I'm a geek. Saves me the trouble of letting someone down if, well, if they looked at me and thought "I'm pretty sure that guy totally rocks" and then it turns out I totally rock in a whole different fashion. But the thing about being a geek, well sometimes I just don't know that much. You know, I'm not a mathematical or physics genius and I'm really not that much into software or programing and such or my grades are just either average or below. It scares me.

I'm afraid to be just another asshole into some fad, like emos or the new generation of gangstaz. They're sickening, and then I could be just a more complex version of them. I really shouldn't worry that much, I just don't wanna come of as a poser. I was called a poser once in my life and it hurts your pride. I kind of deserved that too, by the way. You've heard about all this people in their 20's, 30's perhaps, and sometimes they look back at how they were in the 80's and say it was probably the worst they've ever been. EVER.

Well, that's just how I feel about Junior High School. I was a putz, a schmuck and an idiot. I dressed in Hip Hop Gear. Thing was that back then I was pretty dorky. Fuck, I'm 20 and I still don't know how to fucking drive. Imagine a kid with an Ecko jersey about 2 sizes bigger than his (and I was, after all, XL) with matching Ecko shorts that came somewhere near being pants and some suave Phat Farms on my feet. White, of course, as the winter's snow. And how could I forget the icing on the cake, Braces. Fuck grillz, I had metal braces.

At this point it comes into account that I myself could very well be considered white. Naturally when people saw me the last thing that'd ever cross their minds was that I was this nice sensitve guy who likes to watch movies. I was a dork (probably still am) clumsy in all and every single aspect and not that appalling. I didn't even had a thing. You know how everyone just has to have a thing. I didn't, or at least I didn't knew of any. At least any I could use to pick up girls. I remember back then as well that when I started talking about my "favorite" artists, Snoop Dogg and S.P.M. would come into conversation.

Also I would get blank stares and "who are them?" as responses.

I had abosolutely NO street cred which made things a lot worse. In fact, I still don't know what's worse. Having spent all those years not acting like I was all tough and hard or having spent those years acting all nice and cute with those cloathes and styles. After that time I realized just how stupid I really looked and how popular and mainstream had all that gotten. I mean the table turned from me being the outcast who dressed as a rapper, to the another one in the bunch...which is why I stopped the whole thing. I know I shouldn't care, but if I wanted to enjoy the company of more smart type people, I seriously had to stop people from believing that at any minute I could throw down some sick rhyme about bitches and ho's or popping a cap on some nigga's ass or me being this blinged out mack daddy playa who was to cool for school.

I've never been to cool for school. And that is me talking.

So in the long run, you know...I don't know. I mean, people say I'm a geek, but that's kind of getting to be the thing, you know. Or at least I feel like it. To tell you the truth, maybe I'm not really that geeky. I mean, I can talk to girls and be flirty and what not, and I can (at times) be good at sports and Sometimes I require the use of wikipedia to know about stuff. But in the long run, I guess I'm more geek than not. I'm into comics and videogames and movies and books and a shitload of other things, I just don't wanna use them as some cultural status so as to say how geek-y-eshly cool I am.

Now I know I shoul've stuck with that from the beggining, probably I would've had it a lot less harder. I still listen to Hip Hop, but I also listen to all sorts of music. Even the Hip Hop is sort of different. None of that Thug Gangzta bullshit, now I'm keeping it real with Old School Dance Hip Hop, Protest, Jazz Rap and the newly discovered Nerdcore. And I guess for as much things I don't know about, there's just this bunch of things I do and it's great.

What lets me sleep at night comfortably knowing that I'm in no way a sell out or fake?
Well, just my gut feeling that I'm not. Like it or not, at least now I'm happier.