Verum Can Vindico Mihi, Etiamnunc EGO Sumo Servio Meus Deceptio

Hello, how are you? Good I hope. I'm fine, thanks for asking. I guess I could be better but then again we all could. I'm alive, that must count for something, right?

Well, I guess I shoud come to terms of writing....crap. I just screwed up a captcha. I'm downloading stuff now, I got into it big time since last summer...I think. I kinda got the hang of it and started using this FUCKING AWSEOME software which lets me download a bunch of stuff all at the same time.

Now I've got fricking discographys, complete fricking discographys on my hard drive. I feel I've become somewhat of more tech savy. At least I wish I did, I'd like to become a full-fledged computer nerd now, at least now the ins and outs of my computer and be able to do cool shit.

Anyways, as I was saying, I guess I have to come to terms with me at the curent time. I'm not feeling to hot and it's all due to school. I know it's a dumb thing to bitch about, and it's far and off the only thing I bitch about, but lately I'm mostly just bored. Bored and concerned. It's summer, again, and I'm really starting to get the hang of it.

I dislike summers as a whole. I dislike them because the time in-between periods of awesomeness there's just too much shit. It's hot, wet-humid hot, I've virtually have no friends, there's a stuff to do at home and there's nothing good on TV.

But what really got me down is my mind. My mind goes on stand-by during the summer, it just doesn't give a fuck. The first thing to go is a set schedule, I don't sleep like I should, sometimes not at all. Just this friday I experienced first-hand one of the most mind-altering moments on my life. I stayed up way past anything humanly possible, it was 7:00 in the goddamned morning when I decided it would be nice to crash. Right that instant I get called. My folks decided we should start an exercising regime, we went to jog out in a park.

I went from sleepless video-binge to healthnut-psychic decomposition. I got a shot of adrenaline once we got to the park, I wouldn't shut up for the life of me. Then I came home and dissapeared. I honestly cannot recall the events that led up to 4:00 in the afternoon when I woke up in my bed thinking I had sleep all that time, swearing it was a day after.

It may sound pretty lame. The truth is that it messed me up real bad, even until today...it's hard to explain. It's like something takes a hold of your mind, first you feel lost, confused, then when you "regain" conciousness you go on with the day, except that when you're not watching a screen, your mind makes up stories. Crazy, weird stories and you get tangled up in them. You end up feeling desoriented, angry or sad.

That's what happened to me, I got lost in time too, so to speak. I wasn't living on a set schedule, I didn't eat or did anything significant that day and whenever I felt sleepy, I'd doze off for a few seconds just to see weird shit and wake up, not knowing how much time passed and what the hell had I just seen in my dream.

The times would vary between seconds and minutes (as in a few seconds and 30 minutes or more). I wated to listen to music, but when I'd put on my headphones, nothing I listened to would fulfill me in that musical sense. I'd want to watch a movie but couldn't decide which, not because I have to many, but because I had no interest in the ones I have.

Are you following this? I mean, do you understand what I'm telling you? It's a feeling as if there's something you're looking for, something you must get but you don't know what it is, where it is and what must you do with it.

I don't really like summers. I just finished reading The Silence of The Lambs, took me less than a week and I guess it's the most fun I've had recently. Not that I'm complaining, not about that. Reading a book is one of the most satisfactory things you could do, and nothing beats that moment as you turn the last page to a great book. But really, beyond that and the interactions with real live people, I get lost. I wander here and there and just trail off.

Just now do I think "maybe I should really do something other than picking up my room and other random stuff I'm doing". I hope writing does the trick for me, otherwise I'm just gonna have a real crappy summer.

The truth lies therein within the words, and the truth is that a higher power has saw it fit to punish me, trap me in my insidious lie. There is something, but I won't tell a soul until it's resolved. I've been living these days with constant anticipation of something that just doesn't come, and that too is driving me bat-shit insane.

Right now, I just hope I get to fix it silently and without raising any alarms. So I take it all in, I bitch but I understand that I prefer this than the alternative.

So to pass the time, I think I better write each day, something. Anything. I know what I will write about tomorrow, I want to, I'm looking forward for it. And maybe...just maybe...

...

Perhaps not tomorrow, but monday or the day after that I get a break, and I get to retrieve it without anyone noticing and ridding myself of it. And with it, wash away everything else. It's just so childish but I dare not take my eyes of it, fearing a vengefull god.

So maybe I get a break, and my sentence gets paid and I get to be freed from the worrying and the waiting.

Maybe I get to relax and just live out the rest of the summer, watching animes and reading comic books...or normal books. And maybe I get to clear up my room.

And then, maybe, hopefully, the lambs will stop screaming.

No title #3, but a happy one

It's that time again to just bent over a little. Get some of my chest and chill. Woo, ok, cool, let's get this started.

Uhmm....wow...haha, uhh....ok, you'll have to excuse me. I seriously can't find anything well worth to bitch about. I guess, everything's been ok, nice even. Wow, well that's a first...which is kind of weird, I do feel really tired. Really fucking tired.

Buuuuut, I guess there isn't much to complain about. I mean, there is, just not anything concrete, anything that's bad and big. I guess I'm doing pretty good. However, there is that lingering feeling out there, I couldn't describe it even if I wanted to, but it feels...there. It's not despair or tragedy or fear, it's just a feeling out there. Something just waiting by in the void, completely unaware even of itself.

Things aren't weird or anything, everyday life isn't a drag, but it isn't dull either. I guess I'm just lightly lucid. There's a ton of work. There's a shitload of things that need to be taken care off. There's a couple of classes I need to take care of, and lastly, I guess there are a few things here and there which need the touch. The "me" touch.

Huh? Weird. I could swear there's something I'm forgetting. Well, my deer blog, maybe it's the fact that I owe you an apology. Stragiht up tp your face, no holds bared, no two face or cockamamie schemes. I. Have. A. Facebook. Profile.

I'm sorry. From the bottom of my hear...I know, I know. I let you down, all that talk and walk was based on nothing, I know. Listen, I had to, things aren't looking great, BUT HEY! I've changed...and...oh my god!

So it's there, it's finally there. Maybe this is what I'm feeling all along. Of course there is nothing to bitch about, because the only things left to bitch about are work and school which are the same thing, happen at the same place and pretty much doesn't fuckin' matter. No, it's that particular that!

After a semester's worth of crappy classrooms, filled with boring people I've come to a breaking point. Ok, sorry, need to tell that first. So, I've finally come to terms with certain aspects of my personality that might or might not need to be changed. Yes, I might now be actually hated by people, not just be paranoid about it, but very matter-of-factly hated. Real, warm-blooded hatred that I can actually taste and feel.

Now that's all on me, I had it coming, bleaergh! on with the stuff that matters. It feels weird because I'm back at that center stage...and...Nothing has changed. I have, but not it, and therefore I'm in no center stage to speak off. Never was. But now, more than before, I'm set back, hiding or something close.

I didn't went back for all the glory and all the fame. I didn't even went back to garner as many friends as posible, nor to be the first or wisest. I went back to facebook for an array of reasons which is to move the fuck on with an impending list of "to do" things. This is were I am, at a fucking halt, because I haven't done shit.

I went back for many things, a certain her as part of those..things...Oh god, I'm sounding like a goddamn teenager. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME!?!

What the fuck happened between the summer and fucking now. Have I really stopped being that much pissed off at life? Is reallity so much more difficult to intake when there is literally nothing "wrong" with me? What the fuck happened?

Maybe it's got something to do with feeling...sort of Old. Maybe...I don't know, maybe I'm just not cut for this, the blogging I mean. Maybe I just need to stop and start paying attention, stop infuriating myself since it leads me nowwhere. Maybe there really isn't anything to be mad about and I'm just pushing that envelope because without it, I'd be lost. Maybe I need to find something new to do, get off my ass, get out there. But really just go out there.

Maybe I need to start paying more attention to myself. Maybe...Maybe I just don't love myself that much.

Wait

what

Huh

WHAT!?!

ok

wait

WAIT

no seriously, wait

wait...

waaaaaittttt.....

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiittttttttttt.....

WAAAAAIIIIIIITTT!!!!!...........

ok

almost there

ready

ok

ok

ok

here it comes

get ready

Oh my God, here it comes

oh

OH

OHH oH OHOHO OH OH OH

P S Y C H E D B I T C H !!!!!

Who the fuck am I kiddin', I love me, I love me and everything that surrounds me, which makes it all the easier to HATE EVERYTHING ELSE!!!!

What the fuck, did you think I was gonna go soft all of a sudden, I said I needed to vent, well I'M-A FUCKING VENTING!!!! I mean, seriously! When was the last time I had a good ol-fashioned rant. Last semester, almost last year. Kinda sucks, don't ya think non-existing reader.

Now I'm here, sitting on my ass at fuckin' 2 in the morning waiting for another day so I can move the fuck up that goddamn ladder that is my life. All the while being blessed and gifted with the company of the, read The most interesting set of people. First of all, fuck the kids. Really, all of you. Fuck you kindly!

And I'm specifically reffering to the brown-nose kids that haunt my ever lasting existence at my beautiful, beautiful carrear. Fuck you, ok, because I have absolutely no idea just who the fuck you are. You make no attempts to shine out, you're always dicking around with your fucking black berries and you seem kinda idiotic. And that's just the males.

The girls, well fuck! I mean really, like, really? Do you have to be like that? Do you have to look like THAT!? Do any of these girls know, even remotely think what it feels like to live out a perpetual feeling of that one extra on an adult film? Do ya? Everywhere I fucking look, one beautiful girl, two beautiful girls, A COUPLE HUNDRED HOT, GORGEOUS, just, AMAZINGLY STUNNING BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. And do they put out, no. Not for me. Not for me because I'm not the guy they're after, and I'm rude and I'm crude and Youknowthedeal....

It's the same thing OVER AND FUCKING OVER AGAIN!!! Stop, really, stop because I'm getting nowhere and getting there fast.

Then there's the idiots, which couldn't take the decency to come in the same fucking package. Don't get me wrong, sure some idiots, be them chicks or dudes are certified lookers, but some really just take the obnoxious little oh-how-I-wish-I-could-skull-fuck-you-with-a-pepper-shaker cake. This people aren't just dumb beyond any reasonable human reach, they're ugly and shady and just beating-inducing. They're not set with going to extremes, FUCKING EXTREMES to get that douche bag vibe just right but they also have to nail the "Ohhh god, how I hate you as a whole".

And the nice and quiet or outgoing but cool people just stay behind. All behind, no fucking contact, no nothing. I tell you, this guys, they're nice and I'm pretty sure a blast, but that pretty sure stays in a "maybe" sort of 79% margin of being the complete opposite because I don't fucking know this people. They want to remain that way, well fuck, you know, I'd like to have more than the occasional allies I've mustered up along my stay in this place.

And, I really, really love my college, I do. I'd be rocking that shirt if not for the fact that, that would be a really douche move. Never the less, I do love my school, assholes notwithstanding. And Facebook, really, just fuck Facebook. Fuck it. Really, just the hell with it. I hate Facebook, I really fucking hate Facebook. And I'm back. Yeah, I have a Facebook profile page and I know exactly why.

Because over the whole of this last semester, I really, really reaaaaaaally, have lost touch with a lot of people that are veritably away from me. And Facebook, be it the filthy dirty whore it is, is perhaps the only solution. Yes I have a Facebook, AND THEY DESERVE TO BURN IN HELL!!!!Samuel L. Fuckin' Jackson FTW.

But most importantly, I went back because I'm going insane here. Ok, there are a few friends within fucking ear range who just seem to have shut away from my life, out of nothingness. Just because, you know, it kinda seemed a nice idea.

...

WHAT THE FUCK!? seriously, WHAT THE FUCK!? WHAT. THE. FUCK!? WHAT THE FUCK? WTF!? It's like someone just sucked on a thermostat and shoved it all the way up my ass and just waited there to see what happens, because they heard off hand from that idiot that went to the same elementary school I went to that when I reach boiling points, the glass burst open and confetti starts to jitter out of my ass. That and it makes a funny noise when it pops. Also that when applying the right pressure PB&J sandwiches come out my ears and nose, while candy corn stretches out my urethra.

I really wish you could see me right now, so you could have the most vivid of images. I really do.

But what does it really feel to reach, yet, another end to another baffling semester/year? I'll tell you what it feels, it feels awkward, lame and somewhat stupid, yet there is an actual lingering feeling but it's not an unknown entity just flapping around on an emo hearless void. That lingering feeling is that besides all the mishaps and misfortunes that there were and that there will still be, there is some actual success to all this.

That in the end, some things worked out just fine and great and what-have-you-not...Or something like that. To say anything, the semester isn't really over, but soon. By the time I read this again, it'll probably be afterwards and I'll be able to actually gloat in my success. And I'm slowly but surely making it to the finish line right next to my hommies.

No pain, no gain...I guess.

Of Hard Work and Other Nuances...

Now everyone with me, take deep breaths. Come on, one short, one long. Inhale....exhale. Good. We can start.

I am officially done with and set up for summer vacations. Good bye school, hello summer school, hot weather and the probability of a job.

THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES!!!! A J - O - B, A JEEZ-OB, A JEEZ-OB, A JEEZ-OB!!!!!!

Ahhhh, but enough about me, lets talk business. So forward start a new summer and people must surely be wondering now what the hell will you do with all your rightfully given free time, to which you might say "I'm working as well, asshole" which is fair enough, because you're right, I tend...from time to time...to be somewhat of an ass hat. But I'm referring to you're free free time. You know, the endless afternoons which at some point become 4:00 in the morning or something like that.

It's such a wonderful time in which schedules get reverted and everything slowly goes to hell, you know, in expectation for the coming autumn. I personally like to reserve this time to catch up. Just catch up. Yeah, catch up with TV series, movies, animes, anything. Books, comicbooks, games, board games, video games, flash games, house chores like hanging those portraits of your family or building that bookcase you promised so you'd have more free space.

How about stuff you postponed that's intangible? How about lessons? driving, cooking, fencing, hunting, swimming, knitting, drawing, taking pictures, singing, playing some instrument, skiing, French, Spanish, German, Japanese, Italian, Esperanto, Klyngon, Elvish, Java, Html....uh...The language of 4chan.

The possibilities are endless and really set up for just you. How about sleeping? hmm, how about that? Sleep, a good night sleep. Picture it, you haven't gotten a good night sleep throughout this entire semester, year, decade, whatever. Well buddy boy(girl), you've very well goddamn deserved it. Go to the master bedroom, into the bathroom. Hop in to take a quick cold-as-my-heart shower and then hop right back out and slide under the covers and count the days away. Make up for the last whatever that feels like 30 years of sleepless nights. Fuck coffee....for now.

Or maybe you wanna make up for time in a different fashion. Like sex. Go, get to it. No one will think lesser of you. I won't. G0 have sex, with your girlfriend, or boyfriend, or spouse, or roommate, or your local ho or buy yourself a hooker. Come on, you've earned it. It was a hard year. And again, I won't judge. I couldn't give more than two bits of a fuck. Maybe one, but we'd have to see.

Or do nothing, just bask. Meditate. Take a moment, smell the flowers, hear the birds, sit in a park and look around, think of lily patches and deep lakes in which you can dip in and relax. Think of sunny beaches with cool sand and nice amiable people everywhere. No drunken frat boys, no deafening speakers trying to get random college girls go wild. Just you and the most formidable big fat fucking book you can think off. A true page turner that after being read will actually make you think and wonder and not make you feel cheap and underrated. It ain't twilight.

Just do something and leave the wallowing for other time, for other people. Leave it to me! I can take care of it. What is it? Politics got you down, I'll rant and holler about those lying, demeaning sons of bitches doing their work just so they can screw the next guy and for what? A quick buck? Fuck 'em.

Work is a bitch? Take a leave of absence. You've been working your ass off, you've earned it. Book a day or two on the calendar. Fuck everyone else. Fuck Ray from accounting or Bill from human resources, let them deal with their shit, you've had to much on your plate for way too long. Get out of that hell hole and into paradise.

Can't pay for paradise? Make paradise wherever you go. Grab a towel, head for your own personal space and dip in water. Any water, just find water. Fill the tub in your house. Go use the family pool. Ask a neighbor to organize a barbecue, take a trip to the public pool, take a bus to your nearest beach, grab the car keys and head to somewhere with fucking water. It ain't that hard...except if you live in the dessert. In which case, it could be a little harder, but not fucking impossible.

Religion has given you the blues? Hey! Snap out of it. I'm only gonna say this once. God loves you, for whoever and whatever you are....Except if you take things to seriously. So if you've got an attendance record at your local temple and you've simultaneously eaten and drunk large quantities of the body and blood of Christ so that you could take a shit and give birth to a full grown savior of men, then, my friend, you're on the righteous path. Take a day off. Come next Saturday you'll do everything in your power to make of the sabbath all but holy (unless you're going for some double entendre).

Friends aren't speaking to you, family is a pain in the ass, you can't even stand the sight in the mirror and feeling a bit suicidal? Well, what do you want me to say? No, stop, rethink what you're doing. Buddy, if you're far down that road then there's little to jack shit I can do, right? I mean seriously, you're in a lot of pain, nobody loves you, the world is a shitfull wonder and nothing works on you, well you're either extremely unlucky or you're a coward and give up easily.

I mean seriously, everything can be solved. If not, then you know were the exit is. People fuck up every living day, doesn't mean there isn't an exit strategy that well doesn't involve calling it quits in your life. Even people with severe and profound issues can have a way out. I won't lie to you or make you feel better. Some are better of dead, but who exactly isn't for me to judge...unfortunately.

And I've seen some seriously sick shit to except anyone to differ. Like the guy who was obsessed with Björk and taped himself as he put a gun to his mouth and pull the trigger. That was one sick individual and now he's gone and, who knows, maybe he could've become someone, maybe he could've lash it out on some kid. Who knows?

The thing is, let someone else take the edge. You've done your share and now it's, well it just is. It's day or night, it's too late for one thing but early for another, it's dark and quiet or loud and shiny. Whatever it is, fuck it. Indulge yourself, you'll have time to go back to the office or school or whatever the hell is out there and then there's life and then there's eternity and you know what, I'm seizing every fucking day thrown my way.

Because now I'm not angry at particularly anyone. I got by on Brothers and Sisters, my newest televised addiction which is this show that is just a soap opera done with elegance and several twits in sunny California with a nice resolution. Soon as I get back on track, it's all the stuff that makes me happy and turns my brain into mush. And I will do that and feel no one bit of me going to waste, because is what I want and anyone else can fuck off with their opinions, shut up and join me, or mock me.

This summer I expect the return of three bestest friends, one of them a bloggin soul sister, and lots of free time to see them and talk to them and party hardy. I'm looking forward to make amends with movie theaters everywhere since the only movie I saw since December was Lovely Bones. That's right, no Alice, no Titans, no Iron Man, no Shutter Island, no Daybreakers, no Book of Eli, no Legion, no Edge of Darkness, no Wolfman, no Defendor, no Green Zone, no Hot Tub Time Machine, no Kick Ass, no Robin Hood and no Nightmare on Elm Street. Oh, and no Cop Out.

So, tomorrow will be the release of non other but Prince Of Persia: The Sands of Time, so there's something to look at. I lend my Xbox to a friend early on so I haven't gotten around anything from Bayoneta on. I have tons of movies to see in the house I've just bought over time. Despite anything, Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcet's anniversaries are coming up, but to me not as major as my dear old teacher and hero, George Carlin to which I won't stand down again, I'll make something of him this time.

More importantly even are the birthdays that follow. Dear and beloved friends whom I wish I could all see.

And that's it. No complains, no wonders, nothing. Things have happened, it's true. But the thing is that now, they don't affect me like they should. What was really gone and done were my grades and that's not something I'm affected by anymore. I did it. I passed, against all odds I pulled it off and to say the least would be I deserved it. I put my back into it, I tried everything and even went through troubled waters. And I came out.

My friends, some have gone AWOL, some are covering up the basics, some are coming out of the woodworks and making it count, some are fighting their inner deamons and what not, and I'm happy. I'll have time to bitch and moan later when I'm finally set up with a camera and an essay and work, real, actual, work. But for now, things are good and I can't help but indulge myself.

You should too. Hopefully, willfully, my friends. The bassit, the king, the artist, the demon drummer from hell, everyone will be at their best and will be there for when I start school, next semester. Also, I'd like to go on record and say that currently it's 4:50 in the morning. G'night.

Boris, they called him...He saw the whole picture.

Here's a kicker for you. I'm pissed off.

Weren't expecting that were you? Truth be told, I'm overreacting. This time, I'm overreacting, because things aren't that bad. They suck, but aren't thaaat bad. But in the sake of good writing and some me time I've given myself, I'm fucking pissed.

Why? You know why, the usual why. It's not fair, I'm surrounded by morons, life keeps fucking with me by fucking over the little guy to get to me and then gets to me by inducing painful nothing-to-do revelations in which I just sit and watch my surroundings crumble and die, making me have wishes of killing sprees with a hacksaw in a little town filled with the most repulsive people on earth.

But right now it's a different kind of "I'm pissed", first because I'm miles away from home and anything that remotely resembles home. I'm stuck amidst crazy creatures that see not beyond their own superficial layers of wretched morals, twisted and torn into believing they're righteous beings with righteous laws that oversee any and all other impulses, however small they may be.

I'm stuck amidst people afraid of homosexuality and rebellion, bent on obscuring data and truth from those they deem unworthy, unprepared and week, without realizing in the process who is truly week. But like I said, things aren't all that bad. They're obnoxious for the fact that they can't be changed.

I only remain as a watcher, a passive observer who does not anything at all to change the current circumstances. Because I could but the price to pay for that would be even greater than any other, and because, after all, I couldn't bring myself to crush the hearts and spirits of those around me...Which, at the same time, is pretty much the reason of why I'm here in the first place.

And after all this ranting I find it...I'm no happier than before or relieved like in past occasions. I feel heavy with duty and tired, again. Tired like time hasn't forgotten about me. As if my work never stopped, never gave me a free afternoon to meet with my guys or a day to get my shit together. I feel heavy worked and somewhat week myself.

I took the name of Boris, referencing one Boris Yelnikoff from my favorite director's last movie, Whatever Works, and I felt compelled by many things. While, truth be said, this movie in particular didn't moved me in a way that Deconstructing Harry moved me, it still taught me much things. Obviously the main point of not waiting for things to come down on you, but stand on your own to feet, making it work, whatever works. Get it?

Boris was pissed all the time at all things, much like me in a bad day, but the man had class, had stupor, had it all figured out, whereas I lack much training. It's been a rough week and I really deserve another vacation after this is settled. But, I'll do good with seeing my friends again and talking to them all, specially those whom I haven't seen in a while.

I'll settle for whatever works.

Wait for it...

I should be doing my homework...

But then what fun would it be TO RAVAGE, SLAY WHAT HATH CROSS MY PATH BE IT AN ELDERLY MAN, SOAKED IN THE JUICES OF KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE OR THE BRIGHTLY PURE AND LILY CLEAN FAIR MAIDEN, RIGHT IN THE RIPE OF THY LIFE, DESTROY THE LANDS AND BURN THE CROPS IN THE NAME OF BITCHIN!?!?!?!?!

Nonce.

So, without furthe ado...We begin.

Who the fuck I'm kiddin'? Days are starting to go slow and things are just getting complicated. It's what coming back to it all means, isn't it? The snow has cleared, the animals are out of their sleep, flowers and trees are starting to bloom and blosom and everyones bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Ain't nature a bitch, shoving it to our faces. Bullshit, it's back to work/back to school, the proving grounds and building blocks of our lives being defined and valued by the amount of stress that undergoes waking up in the mornings half hoping you could loose conciusness at will or magically be endowed with powers so destructive and dangerous like producing fiery-fucking-balls of doom or being able to fuck things up with your mind.

We could be waking up and finding out that there really is no mercy full god. Waking up to an alien invasion. Waking up to silky sheets, mid-day with a temperature below 30 minimum, or to the soft, loving taps of a light rain that mearly drizzles on your roof and windows. Turning on the news and hearing such wonderful things like there isn't any more poverty in the world, world hunger is a thing of the past, war has ceased and all the douche bags in the world have been impaled...starting with that fucking pussy from Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

OR AT LEAST HAVE THE FUCKING DECENSY TO WAKE UP AND NOT TASTE HATE ON YOUR MOUTH.

But no. There's famine, there's violence, there's economic recession and desperate measures. There's unprecedented natural disasters that hit unsuspecting feeble towns and the people trying to make up for it by broadcasting minute-by-minute coverage of the tragedy in an ultimate attempt to spread awareness, make the masses act out and unite in the name of peace and do whatever it takes to bring Haiti back to it's feet.

But in the making, they fail miserably, the only people interested are all around do-gooders, the dip shit celebrities that take their cue from Bono and corporate head masters bent on lobbying their way unto the pockets, wallets and pursues of the world.

We wake up in the morning to the world we deserve, this boisterous joyful little place that's beautiful underneath the heavy makeup that are hormonal cheap preteen wet dreams covered in glitter and sold everywhere from record stores to movie theater ticket booths, vainful magazine covers, one-dimensional empty promises of control and the pressure inducing realities we're all used to by now.

That is without including the people. The people alone could take billions of billions of countless of words to describe.

So you can say, quite clearly, that I've been having one hell of a week....RIGHT!?!

Up until today I've done a pretty good job containing my frustrations, attaining to the belief, the hard cold conviction that I have the choice to make of things a better situation, realizing only till now that I also believe in destiny and if destiny has it for this year to utterly suck, there's jack shit I can do about it. Safe to say, last days have sucked for one reason or another so I shouldn't hide it really, I should bask in it.

I've taken it as a mantra to say that some people just have it worse than me, and they do. Some people are really walking through shit storms. I've also realized, up until recently just now that, that doesn't really help either.

I'm pissed off and it's not just because of the things I haven't done or do but also because of the things that I don't have. Right now, something. Anything, just to get away. I think for a moment of those who'd want to escape, not just turn away like pussy-old me, but reaaaally run away from. Broken house holds, defective lives and dead-end-shit-filled existences. I feel bad for them because most will never run from it, because they can't. Others won't, because they don't know any better.

I'm tired now, I get tired easily this days. But I insist, because for what it matters, someone somewhere needs me, even though people loose track of that. People need me like I need them, that's why I usually say I hate society but I love people. For all the faith I loose in humanity, my faith in humans just keeps getting stronger.

Now, I'm gonna share to you this little secret.

Last night I dreamed of New York. I dreamed that I was there, twice. Twice in the same dream I traveled to New York. Shortly afterwards, I woke up and was overtaken by this deep sense of sadness. Just, really really sad and I couldn't tell exactly what had made me so miserable and didn't want to put all my money on dreaming the dream that hasn't happened, realizing in the process that what really upsets me are a bunch of things.

I haven't gotten over the fact that some time ago, 3 or 4 weeks, I got reunited with some of the people from my junior years. People I haven't seen in ages. It didn't go like I would've liked it to go. I was heavily disappointed and still moved on. Then there is school, then there is chance and fact, then there is temptation and promise and work and responsibility and then there's the ongoing wish to have powers of any kind.

I'm currently watching Heroes.

But that doesn't happen here. What happens here is that I become a silent winner, a dignified social aid of some sort without people getting hold of it and the awesomest little guy in the world of whom not many people have heard off. The bullshit comes and goes and sticks and rots, continuously. I try my best to fuck with the bullshit and horribly fuck someones mind.

I try.