Well, I guess I shoud come to terms of writing....crap. I just screwed up a captcha. I'm downloading stuff now, I got into it big time since last summer...I think. I kinda got the hang of it and started using this FUCKING AWSEOME software which lets me download a bunch of stuff all at the same time.
Now I've got fricking discographys, complete fricking discographys on my hard drive. I feel I've become somewhat of more tech savy. At least I wish I did, I'd like to become a full-fledged computer nerd now, at least now the ins and outs of my computer and be able to do cool shit.
Anyways, as I was saying, I guess I have to come to terms with me at the curent time. I'm not feeling to hot and it's all due to school. I know it's a dumb thing to bitch about, and it's far and off the only thing I bitch about, but lately I'm mostly just bored. Bored and concerned. It's summer, again, and I'm really starting to get the hang of it.
I dislike summers as a whole. I dislike them because the time in-between periods of awesomeness there's just too much shit. It's hot, wet-humid hot, I've virtually have no friends, there's a stuff to do at home and there's nothing good on TV.
But what really got me down is my mind. My mind goes on stand-by during the summer, it just doesn't give a fuck. The first thing to go is a set schedule, I don't sleep like I should, sometimes not at all. Just this friday I experienced first-hand one of the most mind-altering moments on my life. I stayed up way past anything humanly possible, it was 7:00 in the goddamned morning when I decided it would be nice to crash. Right that instant I get called. My folks decided we should start an exercising regime, we went to jog out in a park.
I went from sleepless video-binge to healthnut-psychic decomposition. I got a shot of adrenaline once we got to the park, I wouldn't shut up for the life of me. Then I came home and dissapeared. I honestly cannot recall the events that led up to 4:00 in the afternoon when I woke up in my bed thinking I had sleep all that time, swearing it was a day after.
It may sound pretty lame. The truth is that it messed me up real bad, even until today...it's hard to explain. It's like something takes a hold of your mind, first you feel lost, confused, then when you "regain" conciousness you go on with the day, except that when you're not watching a screen, your mind makes up stories. Crazy, weird stories and you get tangled up in them. You end up feeling desoriented, angry or sad.
That's what happened to me, I got lost in time too, so to speak. I wasn't living on a set schedule, I didn't eat or did anything significant that day and whenever I felt sleepy, I'd doze off for a few seconds just to see weird shit and wake up, not knowing how much time passed and what the hell had I just seen in my dream.
The times would vary between seconds and minutes (as in a few seconds and 30 minutes or more). I wated to listen to music, but when I'd put on my headphones, nothing I listened to would fulfill me in that musical sense. I'd want to watch a movie but couldn't decide which, not because I have to many, but because I had no interest in the ones I have.
Are you following this? I mean, do you understand what I'm telling you? It's a feeling as if there's something you're looking for, something you must get but you don't know what it is, where it is and what must you do with it.
I don't really like summers. I just finished reading The Silence of The Lambs, took me less than a week and I guess it's the most fun I've had recently. Not that I'm complaining, not about that. Reading a book is one of the most satisfactory things you could do, and nothing beats that moment as you turn the last page to a great book. But really, beyond that and the interactions with real live people, I get lost. I wander here and there and just trail off.
Just now do I think "maybe I should really do something other than picking up my room and other random stuff I'm doing". I hope writing does the trick for me, otherwise I'm just gonna have a real crappy summer.
The truth lies therein within the words, and the truth is that a higher power has saw it fit to punish me, trap me in my insidious lie. There is something, but I won't tell a soul until it's resolved. I've been living these days with constant anticipation of something that just doesn't come, and that too is driving me bat-shit insane.
Right now, I just hope I get to fix it silently and without raising any alarms. So I take it all in, I bitch but I understand that I prefer this than the alternative.
So to pass the time, I think I better write each day, something. Anything. I know what I will write about tomorrow, I want to, I'm looking forward for it. And maybe...just maybe...
...
Perhaps not tomorrow, but monday or the day after that I get a break, and I get to retrieve it without anyone noticing and ridding myself of it. And with it, wash away everything else. It's just so childish but I dare not take my eyes of it, fearing a vengefull god.
So maybe I get a break, and my sentence gets paid and I get to be freed from the worrying and the waiting.
Maybe I get to relax and just live out the rest of the summer, watching animes and reading comic books...or normal books. And maybe I get to clear up my room.
And then, maybe, hopefully, the lambs will stop screaming.
