Ever been in that situation when, just as you're about to look at the world with a clean-clear view or a different, yet positive new perspective, the Universe gets cute and "tests" you in a way?
I fucking hate those situations. Because I almost, almost, always loose.
Almost. This is enough for me to loose, just significantly, a lot. And I fucking hate it how what comes into contact acts in a way that my, at the time fucked up mind, plays it so that it seems everyone's against me. I hate it because it only happens when I try my best to be happy. Good Omens; just played that card, didn't I?
It's the paranoid dreams all over again, of saying one thing and then losing ground to my goddamed luck. Its many things. How I feel. How it makes me feel. One thing and already things look bleak, desperate, and stupid. I already start to play the scenes in my head, what is to come. I'm already fighting people in the future because of what they said. I'm calling them names, casting them dirty looks and rejecting them as people as it was.I'm losing ground already.
And all because of one tiny little moment. Now I'm a bit relaxed, I go with it. Fuck it, it's what you do. There's no two ways about it, there's no I could've, I would've and to think otherwise would be a complete loss of my time and a sure-as-hell one-way ticket down a long, sufferable and very familiar path to me. One were at some given point I realize I fucked it up. So fuck it.
To think at all that this is in part thanks to some people would also be sufferable. I have enough to deal about with myself than to have others trying to pitch in so if you whoever you are and will be in or out of my life, if you don't understand this, don't try too. Don't even bother in reading the rest of it. It's not even a message, it's a rant. A personal rant. Because after dealing with the fact that nobody reads this stuff then I might just as well use it as an outlet.
But it isn't what I want. What I'm really after is balance, comfort and commodity. To know that this one aspect of my life is in order because I've had it with the temporary friendships. But one thing that is true, beyond a reason of a doubt, is that I didn't felt like this the first time someone went away. And in all good measure, the circumstances will do their best to just sink it in.
I remember, though, a day in which it wasn't at all too bad and we all had our laughs and joys. And I remember that day, it stood out. It was a good day. But it was also the quintessential map of things to come. Now, as always, I stand and feel the cold, the confusion, the anger, the rage, the hate and violence that come with it. To know that I've been shaked.
Never again, so I said, and not so easily. When I wrote my eulogy to Carlin I said nobody could shake me that easily anymore. This isn't easy, far from it.That's what it is. The feeling of not wanting to do anything, dropping all attempts to change something. Not now, not while things are like this.
In 1 week time I go back to school. By then I must have resolved sleeping periods amongst a few other things. In the meantime all the pretty girls and undisclosed anger/hatred/violent needs can stumble up and form in a macabre state and mock me or leave me be. All the confusion can form up in a shell and crumble crushing me in its wake.
THE FUCKING SKY CAN VERY WELL LIT UP AND BLAZE AT MY HEAD, for I will feel that and drop a few "f" bombs in public. A lot can happen, much more to my dismal. One thing is certain though. Everyone, men and women alike, have their boys or girls and whilst all of them round up and chit-chat their merry-go way into exaltation, be sure to know, you can all kiss my ass. For I will sure miss my boy.
In 1 week time I go back to school under near to perfect period placements, towards a brand new semester filled with thrills and wonders, with the people I know and love and perhaps even new ones at that.
1 week...and one of my best friends won't be there.
A good-harted fiery individual who isn't afraid or bullshit ridden. Who fits just perfectly into our lives, who makes us laugh and chill and have a good time and who, safe to say as my real best friends tend to do, has shown me a way. Strong beyond anyone's personal view, hated by some, love by us and bassist player for the band.
1 week and a very fucking important person...won't...be...there.
Fuck.
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